Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Cameron is so uptight, if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass...

I come to share exciting news from regions of space neither you nor I will ever reach, courtesy of Science Now.

Some exotic "carbon planets" in our galaxy may harbor internal layers of diamonds, according to a report this week at a conference devoted to extrasolar planets. Such carbon-rich planets could arise within dusty disks around newborn stars that have more carbon or less oxygen than typical stars--an altered chemistry that will become more common as our Milky Way ages. High pressures inside the oily planets would convert the graphite form of carbon into thick diamond layers, calculations show.

I think there's a useful metaphor here for a movie about an awkward, pimple-faced teenager. "High pressures [such as the four-hour erections in English class*] inside the oily planets [read: pock-marked, pizza-faced cranium] would convert the graphite form of carbon [ingested while the slovenly kid chews his pencils] into thick diamond layers." The last of course would be revealed in the last twenty minutes of the movie, when the hot cheerleader realizes that the dork is actually the diamond in the rough of the eleventh grade hall, but which would be confirmed when he accepted the pretty dork's invitation to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.

* Don't you think, in the commercials for Cialis and the like, that the announcer should say, "Please use as directed. Erections lasting longer than four hours should receive immediate attention, unless you are in high school, because everyone has already noticed, you perverted freak! No carefully carried textbook could ever conceal your shame!"


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